corset-whore

so i'm nearing my 17th birthday here and even as i say that i feel old. and ive been shoved very quickly into this thing that people call "adult life" or real life if you prefer. I'm taking 4 classes/16 units at college right now and I work 3 days a week at a miserable fucking grocery store. along with balancing that, i'm trying to manage a social life and a boyfriend.
and guess what?

it's hard.

society sees and treats me as an adult even though i legally am not, and though i don't have bills to pay quite yet, this real life thing sucks. i see my coworkers that are the same age or older and they laugh in the face of life and i so badly wish that i could too. but my maturity level strictly forbids me not to. i never really have been a carefree person, but now more than ever i wish i had the courage to be just that. it seems my time of being a 'kid' is almost up and i'm trying like hell to grasp onto one last little part of it. but it's slipping. all i can do now is move forward.

so to all the little ones: don't ever wish that you could grow up faster.
enjoy it while you can.

now i've made some observations on life lately. and maybe im just a pessimist, or maybe i've seen clearly what society itself has hidden behind smoke mirrors and crystal balls. or maybe?... we were supposed to look? maybe smoke and mirrors are put up to temp us; to lure us into submission and sin by first creation and then curiosity.

it seems there is always a constant struggle, or contradiction if you prefer, between what you are, and what you are supposed to be. you see, by textbook standards i should be a perfectly normal female, but i am not. because if i were, would i be rambling on about irrational and irrelevent information? i think not!  i am in college, just started a new job as a fucking courtesy clerk in a fucking grocery store, i have a wonderful life by textbook standards!  then why, pray i ask, am i not satisfied? is it because the social norm of life these days is just as useful as being a zombie in a chainsaw store? what we are supposed to desire in life leaves little for the imagination. we are supposed to work dead end jobs, marry someone we do not like, have children, grow fat, grow old and die.

well FUCK YOU i say! because i, for one, refuse to be part of a struggle between what i should be and what i am. i am lost. i am unsatisfied. i am fucked up. i am with a person that society seems i am unfit to be with. and I, am tired.    so i quit.




and yes, i am aware that this makes to sense. but who am i to say...